This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things, America: The Bachelor Edition | 3.12.14

Welp, the world is buzzing about Juan Pablo and his massive douchiness. After last night’s finale and Live Follow Up Show, how can anyone speak of anything else (What plane? What Ukraine? What missing little girl)?

Juan Pable Bachelor | Linzeelu Thank You

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I’m not going to go into the specifics of both shows, just that you brought this on yourself, America. At the end of last season’s Bachelorette, Chris B Harrison announced that due to overwhelming demand from the viewership, Juan Pablo was to be the next bachelor.

Woof.

If you watched the Bachelorette, like I did, you learned literally NOTHING about JP except that he had a daughter (which he casually mentions like 10 weeks in) and that Des like’s his sexy Latin accent. That was it. If you googled him you found out he used to play soccer. Yet America demanded that he be the next bachelor, because he is like, so cute.

I was not interested in JP becoming the next bachelor. Not when he did his bit chasing after birds on the beach, and not even as I watched this season, hoping against hope with each episode that somewhere in there was a good, decent man waiting to show himself. And each episode he descended farther and farther into his selfishness, his “language barrier” excuses & his unending douchiness (Most recent example –> To Clare: (and I paraphrase) “I don’t really know you, but I like bleep-ing you”). He was there for the booty. And yes he ended up with Nicki (by “default”?), but she looked like a little bird with a broken wing that he keeps in a cage. What happened to pediatric Nurse Nicki? (And with a bestie in that exact field, I know you need to be tough as nails to do that job). Fly away, Nicki! Fly away!

So I hope you’re happy with this season of the Bachelor, America, because you demanded it.

And yes, I know I consumed the product they were selling, but I tune in for cutie Chris B Harrison, who I have been a fan of since Designer’s Challenge. Boom.

Chris Harrison Bachelor | Linzeelu Thank You

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Based solely on this season’s Bachelor, you are no longer allowed to decide things for yourself, America. Chris B Harrison & the Bachelor producers will take it from here.

Doing this for your own good,

Linzeelu, Thank You

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